With a hat tip to Pattinson, we’ll call this week’s spotlight topic Robert Pattinson, “The Devil Is Always All the Time” masterbate. Yep, that’s what the Aussie actor/director/writer/model was “working on” this week according to the Daily Mail. But before we get to the good stuff, let’s set the stage with a bit of back story.


When we left off last week, Robert was packing for his trip to France. He’d actually already been there several times (most recently in 2004) so this was just a follow-up visit. During the visit, Robert completed his top ten list of French foods which included such delights as ratatouille, cassoulet, and crepes. While there, he also shot a music video for his new song, “On My Own.”

It was while on the set of this music video that the paparazzi first got a good look at “the bulge” and had a field day. (Did we say “the bulge” already? We meant “the penis” but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We apologize for the mix-up.) The Daily Mail later reported that Pattinson had a freak accident while filming the video. As he was peeing, the head of his penis swelled up and got trapped in the foreskin. As a result, Pattinson had to be rushed to the emergency room for treatment. Once there, they had to cut off the top of his penis to ‘release the swelling.’ So, as you might imagine, this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day.

Setting the Stage

With all that medical stuff out of the way, it’s time to get to the good stuff. Like we said, this week’s topic is Robert Pattinson’s ‘masterbating.’ As you’ll soon see, this is a word that he doesn’t like to use but we think it perfectly describes what he’s up to. So without further ado, let’s get to the footage.

The Good Stuff

You’ll notice that there’s no actual footage of Pattinson “doing his thing” in this clip. The reason behind this is simple: the video was shot at night. During the day, Pattinson doesn’t usually do his ‘masterbating’ – he says it’s too risky. He only does it at night when he’s by himself and no one else is around to catch him. Fortunately for us, one of his friends (who also happens to be a filmmaker) recently followed him home after filming and caught him in the act. The footage was recently released but you can see it in all its glory below:

The Bad Stuff

Unfortunately, there’s also no footage of the “bad” stuff. We don’t mean the actual “bad” stuff – we mean the stuff that happens before the good stuff. You see, when you shoot a music video, you don’t generally end up with great footage of the band performing. You mostly end up with shaky cam footage of the musicians trying not to throw up. So, while the above clip contains some great moments, it’s also mostly comprised of clips of Pattinson trying not to throw up. In this section, we’ll focus on the visual gags, especially the ones involving puke.

One of the staples of a music video is the extended tongue shot. (As a side note, these shots are usually accompanied by a “twerking” or “scratching” gesture even when the subject is not dancing.) This is mostly because music videos are shot at night so the lighting is usually poor. This also means that there’s a lot of room for artistic interpretation when it comes to these type of shots. If you’re lucky, you might even get a glimmering of what the band is actually trying to say.

In this particular video, you’ll notice several extended tongue shots but you’ll also notice some strange hand gestures. These are likely the result of an overzealous set designer trying to emulate the band’s “scratching” dance move. If you pay close attention, you’ll see that these hand gestures are also seen in the “On My Own” music video. This is no accident. The director of this particular video, Danny Marino, also happens to be the director of “On My Own.” Of course, there are numerous other strange hand gestures that pop up throughout the clip but we’ll save those for next week. (Don’t worry, we’ll make sure that you don’t miss a thing.)

The Conclusion

So what did we learn from this week’s spotlight topic? Well, for one thing, we know that Robert Pattinson doesn’t like to use the word ‘masterbate.’ The fact that he has to keep using it to describe what he’s doing is ample evidence of that. (We also learned that he has a thing for French women. Maybe we’ll feature that in a future article.)

We also learned that while filming “On My Own,” Robert had a freak accident where the head of his penis swelled up and got trapped in the foreskin. (It was recently reported that he had to have part of his penis amputated as a result.) Fortunately, this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened to Robert Pattinson. As we’ve established, the actor has a rather interesting body of work. Perhaps it’s time for him to find a girlfriend with the right ‘fit’.