Ever since Robert Pattinson came on the scene, women have been swooning over him. And now that he’s set to marry his high school sweetheart, it looks like the swooning will only get sweeter. But not every girl is lucky enough to be married to a gorgeous hunk like Pattinson, so if you find yourself stuck with a Robert Pattinson impersonator at a wedding party or Halloween party, there are ways to remove them. We’re going to tell you exactly how to get rid of Robert Pattinson’s VMA Red-Carpet Foot Fits. Keep reading for the whole story.
Start Out Light
First things first: get yourself a tissue box. You’re going to need it. When the inevitable “I love you” or “Hey babe” moment happens at the end of your set, blow your nose. Keep blowing your nose, and when you’re done, replace the tissue with some sanitizing wipes. Congratulations, you now have a pristine nose-to-hand touch football with which you can wipe away all the bad energy from the night before. Voila! You’re ready to go.
And remember, the phrase “I love you” should not be taken literally. It’s a figure of speech. So while you’re at it, stop saying it. You know what they say: when you stop saying “I love you,” it eventually means you don’t mean it.
Pray To Saint Jude.
Next, you need to pray to Saint Jude. We know, we know…we said you didn’t need to do this, but hear us out. You’re going to need that hand to wipe away the “I love you’s” that will undoubtedly start streaming from Pattinson’s mouth when he sees you at the end of the night. So, put on your best saint dress and lace up your boots. Now, we’re not telling you to walk down the street holding a sign that says “Help! I need a knight in shining armor to ride down the street and save me!” No, what we are suggesting is that you discreetly ask a parish priest or a trusted spiritual guide to perform a little ceremony for you. You can ask them to bless you in the name of Saint Jude. So, while you’re hiding out in your room, hoping the bathroom floor will swallow you whole, Pattinson will be crawling on his knees, begging forgiveness from your spirit guardian. Just remember, he’s going to have to earn your forgiveness. So, when he does finally come crawling back to your side, it will be because he’s truly changed. And if you do decide to go through with this, make sure to keep your eyes closed the whole time, as it would be unseemly for you to see Pattinson’s true self. Then, when you’re finally convinced that he has repented and asked for your forgiveness, you can open your eyes and give him a smile to let him know you’ve seen the true him. And that’s when he’ll know he’s truly accepted forgiveness and you’ve granted him your blessing.
Create A Distraction.
After you’ve prayed to Saint Jude and gotten rid of the Robert Pattinson imposter at your wedding or your friend’s wedding, it’s time to create a distraction. This is going to be the most difficult part, so make sure you’re in a private place with no distractions. You’re going to need your undivided attention to pull this off successfully. So, turn on your favorite movie or listen to some smooth jams. Get yourself some popcorn and cozy up in the theater with a drink in hand. Chances are, the person you invited to your wedding will be the one to leave first. So, have them pick up the check and let the night of the celebration begin. Just make sure to get some sleep beforehand, in order to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to head to the wedding.
Watch Out For Signs.
You might want to keep an eye out for any subtle signs that you’ve been fooled. If you feel like your whole world has turned into a Disney film, and that every second of the day is a “once-in-a-lifetime” moment, start questioning yourself. If you want to get rid of Robert Pattinson, you need to find out what is making you feel this way. Is it something he’s said or done? Did you catch him looking at you in a way you didn’t like? Have you overheard a conversation about you in which he didn’t seem to care about you at all? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re going to have to find a new favorite hunk. Otherwise, you might find yourself stuck with a broken heart for the rest of your life. So, make sure to keep your eyes open for any tell-tale signs. You can also ask friends and family members to keep an eye out for you. If they think you’re acting strange, they might be able to tell you if something’s going on.
Prepare For The Rejection.
You’re going to have to prepare for the rejection. Even if you get rid of the Robert Pattinson imposter at your wedding, he’s still going to be your friend’s brother-in-law. And, trust us, it’s going to hurt. But you’ve got to be strong. Your friend’s brother-in-law just confessed his love for you and asked for your hand in marriage. You can’t afford to be weak at a time like this. So, when he starts coming too close, make sure to walk away. Pretend you didn’t see him there. Ignore him. You’ll be doing your friend and yourself a favor by avoiding a public scandal. So, when he shows up at your door, with flowers, and starts talking about marriage, you can say, “No Thanks, I’m not interested.”
And then, you can close the door on him and go back to your movie. Or your music. Or your book. Whatever it may be that you’re doing.
Make Sure He Knows What He Told You.
Last but not least, make sure to keep track of everything Pattinson has told you. Write down everything he said, word for word. Because, you know, you never know when it might come in handy. So, when he starts acting all lovey-dovey with you and confesses his undying love, you can say, “Really? That’s sweet. But let’s just be friends.” And then you can write down what he said and show it to a lawyer or a psychologist, in case there was something unsaid that he might take offense to. You don’t want to find yourself in a compromising situation, as the law can be quite gray when it comes to “undue influence.”
So, there you have it. Now, with just a little planning and a lot of faith, you can rid yourself of Robert Pattinson and all his cheesy remarks. But, be careful out there. Make sure to cover your bases. We know it’s tough to find your soulmate, but sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. And, when it comes to love, you shouldn’t give it away so easily. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Good luck out there!