Remember when Robert Pattinson wore those dark glasses when he was hanging out with friends or family and you just knew he was secretly watching Batman? You didn’t really think it was that big of a deal, because, well, he’s a famous person, and we all know how much he loves his movies! But then something happened that you will never forget. It was 2016, and Robert Pattinson was hanging out with his friends at a house party. The group had just eaten and was now relaxing in the living room. The actor was watching television and apparently saw an episode of Gotham where a guy blinded Bruce Wayne with a laser pointer.
That’s when he did what any sane person would do in that situation: He yelled at the top of his lungs, ‘Holy shit! That’s the worst shit I’ve ever heard!’” Well, maybe not ANYONE would do that, but you know what? THAT’S WHAT ROBERT PATTINSON DID.
You can probably already feel your heart racing as you try to imagine what happened next. Does he try to save the poor guy’s sight? Does he rush to the hospital? Does he call the police? Did someone bring a gun? Was there a scuffle? Did someone get arrested? We don’t know, because all we have is one eyewitness account, but it’s enough to make us wonder…was it really that bad? Let’s take a closer look.
The Laser Pointer Wasn’t Actually That Bad
First off, let’s get one thing straight: The laser pointer was not, in fact, the cause of Pattinson’s “black eye.” In fact, it was probably the least of his problems that night. According to a source who spoke with The Daily Mail, the incident started much earlier, and had absolutely nothing to do with the laser pointer. So if you’re thinking about suing the maker of the laser pointer, then you’re clearly not thinking about the right target.
Here’s what happened.
Pattinson had arrived at the house party around 10 p.m. He’d been out with his wife and kids earlier in the day, and you’d probably guess he was there to celebrate a special occasion. He’s been married to FKA twigs for several years now, and this must have been their first wedding anniversary. So he came home, showered, changed into his pajamas, and then settled down in front of the TV with a drink. It was at this point that things started to go downhill.
As we’ve established, Pattinson had seen the episode of Gotham where a man blinding Wayne with a laser pointer. But the timing is important here: It wasn’t like he’d been sitting there for hours with his eyes glued to the screen, waiting for the perfect opportunity to shout “holy shit!” At this point, he’d been drinking for about an hour and a half, and was probably feeling a little mellow.
So he decides to turn on the TV, and the first thing he sees is…graphic nudity. Of a woman. Which, let’s face it, is kind of his deal, but now he’s seeing it on a TV show that his kids might be watching. He doesn’t like that, so he turns it off and decides to walk around the house a little, checking things out and getting some air. Which is when he sees the news report about the Batman attack. And by this point he’s already starting to lose his temper.
As he walks through the living room, he sees a few of his friends sitting around a table playing cards. He goes over, joins the game, and for the next two hours or so, all seems well. He has a couple of drinks, winks at his friends, and is having fun. Then, around 2 a.m., he decides he needs some air, so he leaves the house through the front door, which leads directly outside to the sidewalk. This is when things really go downhill.
As he walks through the dark, he sees a group of men on the other side of the street. He doesn’t know if they’re really criminals, or if they’re just out for a good time, so he tries to stay calm and not run away. One of the men steps out from the shadows, and instead of calming him down, this makes him even more nervous. He tries to walk away, but this makes him walk faster.
The man grabs him by the arm and starts to walk with him. At first, Robert thinks it’s his friends, but then he sees the man has a gun. He tries to pull away, but this only makes the man grab him harder. They walk for a little while, and then the man with the gun says something like “this is a robbery,” and proceeds to pull out a knife. Not your usual, everyday robber’s knife, either. This is a bigger, more expensive-looking knife. So now they’re going to try and steal his wallet. Or, you know, whatever they could get their hands on.
At this point, Robert still thinks it’s his friends. He walks to the other side of the street, where he sees a car. His friends are nowhere to be seen. He asks the man with the gun if he can get into the car, but the man refuses, saying “no, get in the alley.” So Robert gets into the car. Not because he wants to, but because he’s afraid the man with the gun is going to hurt him if he doesn’t cooperate. He starts to drive, and the man with the gun tells him to take a right at the next corner. He does this, and then a few minutes later, the man with the gun calls him “Sir,” as in “sir, turn here.”
So they’re in an alleyway, and the man with the gun tells him to get out of the car. He does this, and the man with the gun locks the car doors. This is when he notices there’s no one in the car with him. He turns around to see if his friends came back, but there’s no one there. So, naturally, he calls out for them, but there’s no reply. He starts to walk toward the street to see if he can find anyone, but before he gets to the end of the alleyway, he suddenly hears a voice. It’s the man with the gun, and it’s saying “Don’t turn around.” So at this point, he thinks it’s his friends, and he turns around to look for them. When he does this, the man with the gun catches him in the crossfire of a struggle, and rips off his shirt. He tries to defend himself and escape, but this man is much stronger than he looks, and they end up falling to the ground. The man with the gun keeps hitting him with his rifle in the face, and eventually, Robert passes out. When he wakes up, he’s in a hospital with bandages around his face, and his cheek is swollen. Also, his shirt has been replaced by a bright red tank top that is a size too small. He’s not sure how long he was unconscious, but when he came to, his first thought was that he needed to find a way home. He couldn’t remember how he got there or what had happened besides the fact that his shirt had been stolen and he had a black eye. The rest was a blur. He called his wife and told her to pick him up, and as soon as she did, the nurses came to give him his tetanus shot. The whole ordeal didn’t seem real to him. It was like a bad dream. He kept trying to convince himself it was all a bad dream and that he would wake up and it would be over. But it wasn’t over, and it wasn’t a dream. The worst kind of nightmare was just about to start.