The tabloids have proclaimed it again: Brad Pitt is the sexiest man alive. Whether dressed in a superhero costume or posing in a bikini, the media tells us that this year’s hottest leading man is sure to capture our hearts.
But is he really as good-looking as the headlines make him out to be? Let’s take a closer look at the evidence through the eyes of a scientist—no, not me, I’m a physician, not a scientist. You know what I mean: a researcher! A scientist! Let’s call him Peeks. Yes, that’s right—let’s give the Peeks a chance to prove himself by scrutinizing every square inch of Brad Pitt’s body in painstaking detail. So, buckle your seat belts, boys, we’re about to explore the pecksniffian myth of Brad Pitt’s muscles.
The Science Of Star Quality
First off, let’s establish some ground rules. As I’m sure you’re aware, Mr. Pitt carries no weight whatsoever; in fact, he’s so lean that he could probably fit in the narrow opening between the seats in front of you right now. That’s right, folks, size hardly matters when it comes to assessing a man’s sexiness. Besides, he barely scratches the surface when it comes to sheer magnetism. For that, you have to look to the tabloids for the scoop on Brad’s alleged good looks. Unfortunately, these ragings are often mired in innuendo and half-truths, leaving us mere laymen with shaky foundations when it comes to Brad’s hotness. So, let’s begin our journey to the absolute zenith of sexiness with a clear mind and an open eye.
Let’s start with the obvious: Mr. Pitt’s chest. You may think that you know what you’re looking at, but I’m here to tell you that you probably don’t. Take a closer look and you’ll see that his pecks are more on the pudgy side. However, if you knew what you were looking for, you’d have noticed that his pectorals are proportioned much differently than the rest of his body. They’re more slender and refined, like the cheekbones on a Greek statue. In other words, his chest is a veritable treasure trove of muscle, flesh, and bone that is begging to be dissected.
Moving on to the least-exaggerated part of his body, Mr. Pitt’s legs. It’s a miracle that he can wear those high-waisted jeans, isn’t it? However, that’s the beauty of it: he has such perfect posture that you’d never know he had a double stroller push yearning to burst from his trousers. They don’t call him Six Pack for nothing. That being said, I’d advise any prospective buyer to go for the timeless look and avoid trendy styles that could quickly go out of fashion. A timeless look is most effective when it comes to creating a well-balanced, sexy appearance. You’ll note that his calves are well-defined and give the illusion of speed as he sprints away from the camera. Of course, when you look closer you’ll see that it’s a facade; he doesn’t have the slightest amount of speed, just lots of practice posing. That being said, the best thing you can do for your legs is to keep them healthy, exercise regularly, and avoid anything that could potentially damage them. For example, Mr. Pitt has had some horrific knee injuries in the past and it’s one of the main reasons why he isn’t quite as sprightly as he once was. So, if you want to keep those legs of yours in perfect condition, steer clear of cigarettes and heavy drinking; eat healthily and get plenty of sleep—not to mention cut back on the salt. Believe it or not, there’s science behind these tips, and it’ll be up to you to discover it.
Speaking of which, let’s not forget about Mr. Pitt’s arms. Again, you might think that you know what you’re looking at, but I assure you that you don’t. That’s because the media has a tendency to blow up any part of his body that’s not nailed down, whether it’s a rumor about his sexual prowess or an image of him shirtless straining under the weight of a bus. So, if you’ve been tricked into believing that Mr. Pitt is some sort of Greek god, let me set your mind at ease: he’s probably got more bad arms than good ones. But that’s another story.
Moving on to the most talked-about part of his body, Mr. Pitt’s belly. Even if you didn’t know what you were looking at, you’d probably still think that it was the proverbial apple of Eve’s eye. But then you’d be wrong too. His belly isn’t as perfect as you’d think either. In fact, there’s a very good explanation for why the Hollywood A-listers always look so glamorous: it’s because they’re so well-tanned. That’s right; it isn’t just a matter of genetics either. Tanning your belly is the best way to go about maintaining that radiant glow. So, what are you waiting for? Go out and get a healthy tan already!
Last but not least, we have Mr. Pitt’s backside. One look at his ass and you’d swear that he was carved out of a single piece of marble. But as I’m sure you know, appearances can be deceptive, and it’s quite possible that he’s got some cushioning there that makes his derrière look more plump than it actually is. Still, it’s an incredible feat of engineering that befits a Greek god. That’s because he’s had so much plastic surgery that he doesn’t look like himself anymore. But then, this is the guy that the public loves to hate, so maybe they’ll hate-watch him and his surgery, androgynous style and not care so much about what’s under the hood. I mean, why should they? He’s got a perfect profile and a gorgeous backside, what more could they want?
These are the building blocks of a perfect physique. As you can see, Mr. Pitt doesn’t have much muscle mass and this is why I’ve gone for a more scientific approach to proving his hotness. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Brad’s hotness—there’s much more where this comes from. As with any other area of science, learning more will only make you better appreciate what you already know. That way, when the next hot celebrity comes along, you’ll be able to spot the fake a mile away.