Robert Pattinson ... Who?

“It’s a rough and tumble world out there, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Many of us as children were taught to follow the Ten Commandments, or some version of it, in order to ensure that we become good people or “Leave It To Beaver” neighbors. I can’t remember them all off the top of my head, and it would take a real minor miracle for me to recite them all in order, but in general you can’t go terribly wrong following them…except when it comes to dating. Maybe the commandments were never intended to cover the tricky navigation of romance, but when you apply the Ten Commandments to dating…oh what a mess you find yourself in!

•“I am the LORD your God…You shall have no other gods before Me…” If you apply this commandment to relationships, I take it to mean that you shall have only one boyfriend at a time. So far so good, as long as we don’t get too literal on the issue of previous boyfriends. One boyfriend at a time is A-OK, one boyfriend for all of eternity…not so much.

•“Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above…” The traditional interpretation of this commandment prohibits making false idols and then worshiping them. I don’t have to worry about fashioning my own Robert Pattinson because I don’t know how. Trust me, I tried. And yet I just can’t stop worshiping him. He might be a false vampire, but he is certainly an idol of hotness.”

•“Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD…” This one has to do with the whole not being a potty mouth thing. While cursing is generally considered not terribly lady-like and often leads to a brawl, you sometimes need that extra profanity to drive your message into your dude’s head. He might not notice when you politely tell him how you are feeling, but you will most certainly get his attention with you let out a few choice words that have letters replaced with a “*”.

•“Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy…” When do the phrases “keep it holly” and “romantic partner” ever work together?

•“Honor your father and your mother…” Honoring your mom and dad shouldn’t be too much of a sweat. Honoring your in-laws who think you are not worthy of their precious son, a different story entirely.

•“Do not murder…” Murder is generally poo-pooed, but if my guy doesn’t pick his stinky clothes off the floor one more time, he’s totally gonna be sleeping with the fish.

•“Do not commit adultery…” Zut! Once again Robert Pattinson ruins my morality. Hmmm, I wonder if this rule only applies to adultery with other humans, because then at least Edward Cullen is still fair game. I’ll look into it and report back.

•“Do not steal…” Um, excuse me, but what are boyfriends for if not people to steal clothes from? The whole concept of this season’s boyfriend jacket is entirely based on the fundamental truth that guy’s clothing looks super hot on women.

•“Do not bear false witness against your neighbor…” OK, I know you are not supposed to lie, but without white lies where would I be? Actually, I know exactly where I would be: alone and known as the wicked witch of the west. Sometimes you have to tell a white lie so your guy doesn’t curl up in the fetal position and stay in bed for a month. Of course I wasn’t ogling the cute guy in the really tight jeans across the street. Of course I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Wink wink.

•“Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…” Oh puhleeze, what is wrong with a little harmless fantasizing. As long as your naughty thoughts stay between you are your neurons, who’s it hurting?”

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